PC: Hayley Haws
I know these stages are something that I have had to go through in my personal life when losing someone close to me, but something I didn’t realize is that I’ve also gone through these stages when grieving about my disability.
Sometimes as a disabled woman, and now a disabled mom, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things I just won’t be able to do and there are other things that I’m able to do now that I won’t be able to do in the future. This is where grief comes into play. When I was younger I would have a surgery either around Christmas time or summertime. I know my parents didn’t do this to be mean but to help me from not missing school and other opportunities. So things like summer breaks and Christmas break would be the time I would have a surgery. This made it tough and I didn’t fully understand it at the time. I understand it more now. It is okay to grieve, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry.
I always thought being tough was being positive and putting on a happy face because I had so much to be grateful for.I have learned the last five years that this is not true. I also got a bigger lesson in this when I started adventuring more because I found I could find more accessible places for me to be outside despite my disability. What came with this is my passion for so many things I didn’t know were possible like adaptive mountain biking. I have found so much joy from these things but with joy also comes more heartbreak.
As I fell in love with mountain biking I soon learned how expensive it actually is. There is the bike, getting to trails with travel costs like gas and food, and then also finding the right trail.I’m definitely learning as I go but the biggest thing I’ve learned is that paying for and actually getting an adaptive mountain bike is not easy. While upright mountain bikes can be very very expensive I’ve learned there are ways to start mountain biking at an affordable cost with upright bikes. Adaptive mountain bikes are less common and usually require features such as e-assist. You might also need to have custom pedals to hold your feet in better, adjust the seat cant or height, etc. These things contribute to them being so expensive, but we’ll leave those thoughts for another day.
Here are my stages of grief when it comes to being an adaptive rider and saving for my mountain bike. Remember that these do not have to be in any particular order. You can experience depression, denial, acceptance then back to depression. There is no correct way in experiencing the struggles of being an adaptive mountain biker.
Denial
First, let’s talk about denial. We probably need to understand denial first. Recently I applied for a grant to help pay for a portion of the bike I need. I applied for it in the fall and had been looking forward to receiving it, but I found out in March that I didn’t get it. I had been saving and knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford the $10,000 necessary for the bike. I had saved $1,000 and generous friends had set up a GoFundMe without me knowing. Those funds plus this grant would get me to $5,000. With that money I could justify buying the bike and paying the rest in installments. My denial was that after I wasn’t selected for the grant I was sad, but I still told myself, I’ll be fine, I’m okay. But, it was really devastating for me because this was going to be another more enjoyable way for me to be more independent on the trails.
Anger
Anger is a tough one for me because I know that my anger usually comes from a place of sadness. Sadness that I can’t physically do something. Sadness that I’ve failed. Sadness that I don’t live up to something. So anger usually comes with lots of tears. I feel angry sometimes from lack of opportunities because of the body I have. I feel even more anger when I see the lack of opportunities others have or how they are judged because of their disabilities. I was angry for a long time when it comes to bikes because every time I would step into an outdoor store I would only see upright bikes. Bikes I couldn’t ride. I also didn’t see adaptive bikes to rent or buy at other outdoor places. When I heard people say, a bike for everyone, I got upset because I felt like, How can you say that and not have other types of bikes?
Bargaining
Bargaining is where you say, if I do this I then can do this BUT that doesnt always work. Yes it makes sense that if you cut out this and this then maybe I can get the bike. As a creator with National Park Capable that has been where I have saved for my bike. Since I am a small business owner with a new business there are still bumps in getting that off the ground. You try to save all the dollars you can but then little expenses start coming up and they can really add up. As a travel creator and accessibility advocate I also have to balance saving with spending money on a trip to keep my business going by creating travel guides and other content. I’m so grateful that I have the opportunity to do this at all, but it’s still a challenge maintaining that balance. Bargaining can also be difficult when you say, I’m going to cut this expense out to save money but then an emergency comes up like everyday life or medical expenses, especially when you have a disability, and then your plan falls apart.
Depression
Depression has slowly become an easier one for me to talk about since starting my page. When I first found out that I wasn’t going to be able to get my bike this year, or at least as soon as I would have liked because of not having the grant funds, I cried pretty hard that night in the shower. I thought of the first time I was on a bike with my daughter and how not only was I excited but her reaction when she found out that we were going to ride together was so amazing and precious. It was our first time on a trail together on bikes: me on an adaptive bike I’ve been able to use through the National Ability Center and her on her Strider balance bike. She loves her bike. She gets so excited when she can do something by herself and when she falls, she just gets up and says, I’ll try again. Yes it’s JUST a bike but a bike means more independence for me and the ability to create more cherished memories with my daughter. I know that I will still have some later but I cried because she is so little and still learning and I want to experience every trail with her. By being vulnerable I hope that I can help others feel less alone. However, sometimes being vulnerable creates an opportunity for shame to creep in and then your depression can get worse and escalate. After finding out I didn’t get the grant tears were definitely shed, but I came out of it into acceptance where I felt like things happen for a reason; since I didn’t get that grant that means that someone else did and they are one step closer to their goals or dreams. I am here to say it’s okay to be both sad for yourself and happy for someone else. Life comes with so many complicated emotions. It doesn’t make you selfish, it doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re just human, like everyone else.
Acceptance
Acceptance is an assurance in your heart that says, this is how it’s going to be and I’m okay with that. It might take a little bit longer to get my bike and now I’m okay with that. You just have to accept it and keep moving forward. Sometimes as you go through life you might be in the acceptance stage and BAM…you’re back to anger, bargaining, and depression. Just keep moving forward and continue on and know that there are better days ahead.
These stages may be different for everyone and they may come at different times but what I have learned is that it is OKAY to be sad. It is OKAY to be angry. You have friends. Let’s help each other on this biking journey. If you are already on the trails with your bike, if you rent a bike to use, if you are in an adaptive program that helps you get on a bike, it doesn’t matter how you get on trails. I hope that you can get out there and if it’s not possible today, know that people, including myself, are out there cheering you on.